Small Thoughts
I’ve recently been reading small personal blogs and got this idea from Ava over at <blog.avas.space>. I’ve been wanting to kickstart my writing off again and thought that a low stake way of doing it would be to record some of my random musings and feelings here first. I would like to build writing into a habit because I’ve been inspired by so much good writing recently and lately I’ve felt a little tangled up inside and hope that penning my thoughts will illuminate something, maybe.
Space, or its lack thereof
I’ve been feeling crowded out recently. At malls, hawker centres, public tranport, I’m constantly reminded that I’m surrounded by a teeming, breathing mass of man(and woman)flesh going about their business. I’ve never enjoyed the hustle and bustle, but lately my tolerance has decreased dramatically. I find myself getting stressed and frustrated that I’m getting stressed, and also at my inability to find spaces to let loose and relax. Sometimes its no fun being in the city. Perhaps what I need is a lot more downtime and quiet in between time spent outside. Or maybe the true reason for my anxiety is feeling like eventually I’ll be caught up in this storm of movement and purpose, wheareas now I’m trying to cling on to something that I’m not sure of. Either ways, I’m gonna appreciate the times when I have to myself even more now.
Reading
Over the last two and a half months I’ve managed to finish 18 books! Granted, some of them were on the shortish side, but still, I’m really happy with the books I’ve read so far. It’s funny because if you ask me I can hardly remember verbatim most that I’ve read but I do think that the impressions and ideas somehow stay with you and can pop up in the randomest of places. If I manage to upkeep this blog more consistently, I would like to add in some thoughts on the books I’ve read, after being inspired by Tom’s blog at <tommcwright.com>, as well as some photography and trip reports perhaps. I’ve been devouring some books in a day or two which has surprised me as I’ve never considered myself a particulary fast reader. Sometimes I’m worried that I’m only reading for reading’s sake, but as long as I’m not rushing just for the sake of finishing I’ll treat it as the natural by product of having so much free time to dedicate to books now.
Sadly, I’ve recently lost my Kobo e-reader on a short trip to KL which has cut short my stock of avaliable books. The saddest part was I only realised after downloading a bunch of new books which I was excited to read T.T On the other hand I’ve grown to appreciate the joy of physical books more and more, and am even considering buying some books now (the minimalist in me is recoiling in horror). Hope to find lots of varied and eye opening text moving forward!
The frustration of skill-building
Is it too pretentious if I call hobbies that? I don’t like the connotation that the word ‘hobby’ has nowadays, so I would like to think that I’m building some sort of skill instead as I practice and practice. This morning I felt so shaky and unfocused that I gave up on my piano practice really quickly. Not sure why I felt like that but I was getting more and more upset with myself for making simple mistakes all the time and not making any progress. It’s really hard to keep practicing when you don’t feel rewarded for doing so. I’ve faced some version of this in piano playing, climbing, coding, language learning, etc. The illusion of a grand, final outcome of mastery keeps shattering and somehow reconstructing itself despite my best intentions. I think the only way to not go insane is to appreciate every aspect of the practice, and also to look back and see how far you’ve come. When something goes wrong, appreciate what went right, or break it down and appreciate the understanding of movement, of creation that you’re forced to go through to master the craft. It’s still hard as fuck tho.
That’s all for now, I hope to tidy up my site a little and make it a welcoming space for me (and anyone out there) to come back to! Ciao ciao.