On Improvement

I want to improve. I’m sure many of us have thought that to ourselves at one point. Sucking at something is a universal experience, after all. And yet, how often have we seen this thought through to the end? How often have we pushed ourselves to the limit, constantly reaching, but never grasping that level of mastery or ability that we wish for? I can’t imagine that most of us do. I don’t know if I ever have.

This post was inspired by a recent rewatch of Hibike! Euphonium. For the non-weebs out there, it’s a show about a high school band and their quest to reach nationals. At the start of the series, the main character, Kumiko, is unclear and directionless. She wants a fresh start, so decides not to join band. But soon she is reminded of her initial love for music by a friend who is just starting out. Over the course of the show, she discovers that she does, in fact, love playing the euphonium.

Ok, I suck at writing summaries, so just watch the show if you’re interested. The part that spoke to me the most is a scene where, frustrated at not being able to play a difficult section, Kumiko screams out in frustration, tears dripping down her cheeks: “I WANT TO IMPROVE”. I could feel the rawness of that desire, so painful and yet uplifting at the same time.

I don’t know why, but seeing someone try their hardest and give everything they have just chokes me up. I think for me, that is what it really means to be alive. How many people just go through the motions, day in and day out, never really making something out of their existence? Are these people really alive? Or are they just living?

In the past I believe I was one of them. I never really tried super hard at anything, preferring the path of least resistance. In secondary school I didn’t really take responsibility or risks. It’s something I regret now, but in hindsight I was protecting myself by refusing to be vulnerable. If I didn’t speak out or stand out, then I wouldn’t be cut down.

A few days back I took a nasty fall on the utown wall. The route was above my level and I ended up above a draw, with no strength left to clip it. I panicked and tried to down climb, and the next thing I knew I was flipped upside down and dangling in the air. I tried to play it off but on the inside I felt like a fucking idiot.

And yet, it was at this moment where I could relate most to Kumiko’s desire to improve. That odd mixture of frustration and determination was something that I had rarely, if ever, felt before. I wanted to improve.

At the start of uni I decided that I would say yes to everything. Even in these 5 short weeks, this has led me to meet new people, try new things and pushed me past my comfort zone. I’ve decided that I would rather regret the mistakes I’ve made then regret not having done anything at all.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for putting up with my word vomit. Actually, who am I kidding, no one will read this anyways. But in the off chance that someone is, I hope you, too, will find something worth improving.